Monday, February 17, 2014

About Last Night'

I haven’t been able to concentrate because I’ve had these thoughts floating through my head. In the past one night stands had only led to one thing.  NOTHING.  Yes I said it, nothing comes out of a one night stand.  Very seldom have I heard anyone around me say their relationship blossomed from spending a night with a man.  The myth has it, men love to chase but if you are giving up the cookie on the first night, give me a solid reason why this man will want to find out what your favorite color is on the second night. A year ago I would’ve been afraid to say out loud I’ve had a one night stand in college because of the standards I had set for myself.  How dare I sleep with a guy I barely knew?  How dare I share something so sacred with someone who didn’t even know my last name? How dare I degrade myself by letting myself get carried away in a sexual tension that would mean nothing when it was over?  I had many questions including how I was going to look at this not so stranger in the face the day after I violated all laws. Better yet, how was I going to face these feelings that creped in last night right before he rushed to the bathroom to clean himself up?  Intimacy comes with emotions, and I was going to learn that the hard way. I’m not sure which one was too painful, the low self-esteem I felt after that one night stand or the rejection from trying to make “about last night” to about next spring. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to hold hands in the park during a spring evening and watch the flowers blossom.   Unlike the blossoming relationship that springs from one night stands they display on television, he had moved on to pursuing someone who knew how to close her legs on the first night.  It was written on my forehead; everyone knew he had slept with me then rejected me. I turned to God because only he knew how to console me at night. The depression had eaten at me but it wasn’t my end because things happened for a reason.  I was used to being the girl these “things” never happened to but not anymore because I had just became a girl victim to human needs.  I needed to learn that lesson and I’m glad I did. I would have a next spring.  I would meet him one night and ten years later we would be picking up those blossoming flowers with our child because he was my soulmate. Any thoughts?…….xoxo Christane   

Monday, February 3, 2014

I Lost You.

Appreciate What you Have Before Time Makes you Appreciate                                             What you Had.

I’ll tell you a little bit about the man I use to love.  He is a beautiful chocolate man who made my heart skip a beat every time he sent me a text message or complimented me. I didn't realize how much I appreciated his affection till no one could compare to the way he treated me or made me feel.  He was always so tender with words and unnaturally worried about my well-being but my vision was blurred by his height. Yes! he was shorter than me and it bugged me. I was so embarrassed about what people would think because I was a couple of inches taller than him and the limitation of our relationship. I was mean and obnoxious sometimes forgetting maybe he had feelings just like I did. As I decided to start respecting him as a human being, my feelings started growing. While caring for him so much, I felt butterflies and there was no reason I couldn’t love him as much as he loved me. With time he consumed my every thought, excitement grew when I dreamed about seeing him again. How much fun we would have during the upcoming summer but I was still afraid because something wasn’t right. I had nothing to offer this gentleman so why did he pick me to complete his life? Why this 5’9’’ sometimes insecure and very well not the prettiest girl known to mankind. I was accepting that he was the one so I started proclaiming my new found feelings to him more often but it wasn’t the same.  I liked it better when he praised me like I was the only person he saw when he looked up.  I believe he started falling out of love with me because I rejected that idea so much he started believing it. The moment I realize that, my perfect little world started shattering little by little; I could feel the broken glass scratching my heart. Isn’t that what I wanted all along, for him to leave me alone because he deserved better but I was hurting. Before I knew it a tear dropped from my eye! Lol so weird because I usually don’t cry over anyone unless they’re family. We couldn’t work our differences out because he was convinced that I was insatiable. Who was I and why was it so difficult to please me? Do you guys find yourself difficult to please diamonds? Talk to me................. 
Xoxo Christane
© DiariesOfKris

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