Tuesday, July 29, 2014

IN-SIGNIFICANT OTHER

I accidentally ended up on your page because I miss you oh so much. I accidentally ended up Microsoft word after I accidentally stumbled on your page and heard that song. Not just any song, “THE SONG” “THAT SONG”  “OUR SONG” We all have that one song. That one song we skip every time it comes on. That one song we erase from our memory in efforts to erase the memories we left behind. Before I realized it I was singing along and the emotions were crashing down on me. The song was “Turn on The Lights” by Future.  I want to tell the world about you just so they could get jealous and if you see her (him) before I do, tell him I wish I met him. I did meet him actually but before I could tell the world about him, I lost him.  For the past two months every time I step out the house, I check to see if I forgot anything because I have this feeling that I have. Well my wallet, car keys, and phone are present so what did I forget? nothing. I just have a feeling of incompleteness because my in-significant other is not by my side. I envision myself sliding my fingers through yours and thinking to myself, "gosh he is handsome and he is all mine! I don’t have it all but all I need is that warm look in his eyes letting me know I will never need anything else as long as he is by my side. I envision a summer granted by God to “Him and I” to finally try this “couple” thing because we have never had a chance to be in the same city for more than 3 months.  Every time I get asked if I have a significant other, my respond is “No, I have an insignificant other because I am the significant one in our relationship” Hey! I heard that from a couple that had been married for 29 years lol. This is what I think to myself but really my response is no, I don’t have a significant other because we don’t know what we are to each other.  Everything reminds me of you. Was I not meant to be happy? All I ever asked God was to bring you back to me or allow me to move on. He is not granting me either so does that mean I don’t get to be Mrs. (inserts his last name)? I stumbled upon your photography page today, and there it was……..that song that brought back all the memories I had repressed. The memories that meant nothing to a stranger but everything to me; from you nervously dancing with me for the first time to me shedding my first tear because I was truly in love. Love is an empty word if it is not used on a two way street. Love is an empty word if you’re the only one feeling the love…but in my case it was filled with promises of forever and after because we both felt it. Dang it! I wanted you and you only, and I still do. I can’t let anyone else in because you still inhabit my heart.  I am writing all this because I don’t have the courage to let you know how i feel. I was never the type to envy my friends and their relationships but when I watch their infatuation with their better halves, you creep up in my mind because you are my better half.  No one else ever made me feel as beautiful as you did. Dang it, you are across the world but I love you. I know you still love me but are you still in love with me?. I promise to not break your heart, again. I promise to go above and beyond to protect your heart.  Have you ever had a relationship that didn't stand a chance? Either you loved each other too much but couldn't get through the differences? Or the distance was just insanely unreasonable? Or there had been too much hurt in the past but neither one of y’all were willing to put it behind? Basically your story was unwritten….Yes mine is unwritten as well. I can’t move on because I never had a chance to live it because the odds were in my favor. You can’t move on from something that didn't happen.  It has to happen first. I’m holding on because I know we deserve each other. I can’t let go because I don’t want to let go no matter how much I pretend to try……so I’m asking you to let me go. Let me go before I continue to free fall for you, when you are not sure if you will be there in time to catch me. Is it possible to fall in-love with someone else without ever falling out of love with the person before that? I don’t want to end up like that but I won’t have to end up like that if you are my forever after.  Give us one last try……….love is sometimes not enough to united broken hearts, but we just don’t just have love. We have a friendship, a companionship, a partnership, and a blessing from the man above.


P.S I wrote this five days ago and alot has changed since then. I decided to let him go

Xoxo Kris
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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

"WHO AM I?"

I didn’t know what to entitle this post, heck I never knew what to entitle my posts but somewhat in the mist of writing it all came to life. This post was going to be different, I had a feeling in my heart this was going to be different. Different because I had search deep within my soul; to touch places that had been untouched for as long as I could remember.  I had questions that needed answers. I wanted to let the passion of my emotions flow raw because rawness meant the truth. I was very afraid of the truth. I was afraid of the truth because it hurt. It hurts because you realized it’s been a lie. The opposite of the truth is a lie my dear ones.  I was afraid of the truth because it showed me that the “little world” I build myself in was a complete lie. So who was I?

The truth is guys, I think myself better than many others’. The truth is sometimes I judge people based on what they are wearing. The truth is I put myself on a high pedestal compare to many others. This is the bubble I live in; where I can do no wrong because I am the “queen of this palace” The truth is I am crying as I am typing this because I am ashamed of who I became. The truth is I have the highest standards when it comes to what type of man I choose to date. The truth is half those standards I look for in a person such as: kindness, humbleness, and empathy, I am not half those qualities. The truth is my whole life is a lie.  I was afraid of the truth because it reminds me that I am a lie, so Who was I?

 How dare I expect the world to be a better place when I as a person wasn’t mentally in a better place? How dared I expect so much of people when I as a person didn’t practice what I preached? How dared I judge a person based on their appearance when once upon a time I was the one being judged? How dared I be so self-centered to the extreme where I created a pedestal and climbed up on it and sat on my man made thrown? Can you guys believe I went out a couple of times with this dude on several dates and not once did I ever pay attention to what he was saying.  Up until the last date when I finally opened my eyes to look at him and notice he actually had on a nice shirt. I proceeded to compliment him on his shirt. He said “wow thank you, this is the first time you ever said something about my appearance. You are always so self-absorbed” and i was! I spent my time thinking about what I didn’t like about this dude to even consider what I liked about him. I spent my time wandering how was it possible for a human being to be as annoying as he was. I spent hours complaining to myself how un-worthy of my time he really was when I was the un-worthy one. I had standards people needed to meet in order to approach me when truly I was the classless one. Dear God, I was lost in all this vanity and wondered why I couldn’t find a genuine man. How could I find a genuine man when I wasn’t genuine? My spirit was completely corrupt and i didn't know who i was anymore. Who was I?

 So when I told you how much my ex-boyfriend hurt me my previous posts……I was the one who hurt him. I never put myself in his position to see how my actions could have affected him…..i only screamed “bloody Mary” because I was at the center of my own universe. You guys are judging me as you are reading this. That is okay because I didn’t expect any less. I told you I was reaching within the soul of my problems so why are you surprised? I ask question that people don't often think to ask? I evaluate myself daily because i wish to understand the complexity of my actions and my brain. Truly who was I? 

 I wish to attract who I am, so who was I? better yet what was I? We are who we attract so how could i attract a good person when i was close to rotten? The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem. I have admitted all my problems. Your problems might not be as horrible as mine but today I invite you to look into yourself, and do some self evaluation. Who are you? No seriously....who are you really? Be the person you wish to see in orders. Be the standards you expect to see in others.  Put others on a pedestal rather than yourself. Serve others then yourself, why? because Jesus came to serve not to be served…

 So who am I? i am a girl who is able to do her self evaluation and share it with the world. I am a girl who knew who she didn't want to be anymore. Now i find something to compliment every one on instead of frowning upon something i don't like because it doesn't matter what i don't like! Now life is so much better because i am genuine and helpful towards others . Now my soul flows with true kindness because i made a choice of who i wanted to be and addressed my problems. So address yours.....

P.S God made it all possible


Xoxo Christane
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Monday, July 7, 2014

Touch of Pink

Hi Guys!

I thought i might give you guys some variety for those that get tired of reading my blog lol so today i am going to do an OOTN(outfit of the night). Don't get too comfortable because is back to writing next week lol, actually my next post is going up Thursday at 4:19p.m  lol

For those of you that don't know me, i love fashion hence my personal style is big part of who i am. I believe it's all in the details.  I absolutely love what i put together this past weekend for my sister's birthday party so i thought why not share it with you all. 

White, white, white. I love white especially during the summer. You will always find me pairing up items with white as my base. White denim, white blazer, white skirt, white shorts, white top etc. In this case i did an all with a touch of pink. No filters!









SKIRT-THRIFT SHOP

TOP- FOREVER21

BLAZER- ASOS

HEELS-JUSTFAB.COM

CLUTCH- THRIFT SHOP

GLASSES- I CAN'T REMEMBER LOL

xoxo Kris
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© DiariesOfKris

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