Sunday, August 17, 2014

"THE DECISION. MY DECISION"




It is there. It has not always been there but from the moment it got there, it belonged there. It has become a part of me. I can’t take off. Sometimes I do take it off. I don’t want to take it off. I slide it back on. I unconsciously twirl it around my finger because it is my treasure. Sometimes I grasp it when I am stressed, or in deep thought. It reminds me of the vows I have made to God. It reminds me to behave myself right before I allow myself to get carried away in a lustful activity. It protects me from perpetrators.  Most importantly it reminds me that my body is in fact a temple. It is my purity ring. It is the ring on my ring finger. Sometimes I wonder why I ever made such a vow! Sometimes I wonder if I am normal for making such a decision because if you think about it, everyone in our generation is sexually active but I was never really normal, was I? I made this decision the first time I realized I felt horrible after laying down with a man that couldn't guarantee a forever after for me. I made the decision to reserve myself till marriage when I realized I fell into great depression after the “act”. I made this decision when I realize I picked up emotional baggage that wasn't reciprocated after the “act”.  I made this decision after I realized I was ashamed of how God would look at me if I slept with a man out of wedlock. My vow to God to reserve myself was the best decision I made when I made it because it gave me my sanity, dignity, and self-acceptance back. It kept me away from the predators but also kept me single for a very long time. It was all so easy till I started being afraid to share my vows with my suitors, with fear of losing them before the chase even began. 

 I started asking questions but no one would give me an answer. I came across those who supported my decision and those who didn't understand my decision but accepted it. There was nothing wrong with fulfilling human needs but why did it feel so wrong to me? What was the meaning of my purity ring? There are people that had sex on the first date and ended up married right? There are people that waited three months to have sex and it still did not work out. How does saving myself till marriage guarantee that I was going to stay married for 30 years? How does having sex on the first date NOT guarantee that I will stay married for 30 years? Did I have a better chance at a successful union by waiting till marriage to engage in sexual intercourse again? Did i not have a better chance of a successful union by sleeping with them before marriage? It seems like nothing could guarantee a successful marriage regardless of sexual activities or not. These questions tormented me as I took my purity ring off for weeks just to figure out why I had made that decision. I do not consider myself more of a Christian because I am celibate till marriage, but I am curious as to how others waited till marriage and if they are still married.  It seems like my purity ring created a barrier for me because I eventually had to tell every guy I was celibate. Many respected my decision but those same people moved on to the next because that wasn't a concept they understood. What good was this ring if no guy could stick around to find out I was more than just the physical object they saw on the first date? I liked second dates. I wanted to go on second dates. I couldn't go second dates because i didn't keep my status a secret on the first date. I never got second dates. I had many questions but never an answer. I just knew a part of me was missing every time I would take it off to do anything. 

My purity ring is a diamond ring offered to me by my aunt so it means a lot to me for numerous reasons; the diamonds and the commitment. My commitment. Every time I would say to hell with this commitment, I would take it right back because I finally knew what the commitment meant. See my ring was a reminder of my values. My values are the moral concepts I believe in and stand by. Not everything I believe in makes sense but because God is the source of my belief, it did not have to make sense. I believe in no sex before marriage.  I believe a man can build a relationship with a woman based on the fearfulness he has for God. I believe Marriage is a God ordained union that can stand through every storm in his presence. I believe there is a man out there who will fall in-love with me regardless of any physical interaction. I believe my values and beliefs are what define me as the woman that I am today. I believe if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.  So I slip my ring back on with questions that I still don’t have the answers to but it is okay because what I believe in is far stronger than what my urges might be…..Believe me when i tell you it is a 365 days battle.  I have fallen short before but i stand strong by God's grace.

"True Love waits"-Genesis 3:17


 Xoxo Christane
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© DiariesOfKris

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